I Thought About It
I thought about becoming a Feminist,
but I loved the scent of aftershave & rough hands
a little too much.
I thought about becoming a ballerina,
small tits & all, but every ballerina that I had to teach me
was already broken.
I thought about saving people, doing all that good Philanthropy
stuff that gets you into heaven & makes your heart feel
like you are worth something-
but I could barely get out of bed or quit starving myself.
I thought about becoming a tree, still & observant & always
at peace with my surroundings,
but my surroundings would not let me find peace.
I thought about becoming a song-writer & singer,
something like Mclachlan or Amy Lee, but my voice cracked
& tears choked whenever I attempted
to sing the truth.
I thought about becoming a whore,
because at least they get paid for their good service
& having to endure boring conversations.
I thought about becoming a mute, that way I would never
have to shut out the yelling or insults & would never be expected
to talk intelligently or softly or even at all
in the critical rooms.
I thought about becoming the rain,
that way I could always be somewhere & yet
I wish I was the rain.
--Heather Lenz is the poetry editor for Press Online. Some of her work has appeared in Falling Star Magazine, Dance to Death, Because We Write and others.